life's journey

new year... new life... new hope.....

2012-01-03T18:09:00.000-08:00

2012 has just begun. I keep a promise to myself that whatever had happened in 2011 should only remain in 2011. Bad experiences and heartaches should not be carried over in 2012... I had a break up with my boyfriend who not worth of my time and effort. Im looking forward for a positive life this 2012. Hopefully to meet someone who is worth to love.This is my PRAYER for 2012 and may God answers my longtime prayer...

The Gift of FRIENDSHIP

2011-07-31T19:03:00.000-07:00

Its the first day of the month of August and it is right to start the month with positive outlook. One thing that I value and grateful about is FRIENDS that God had showered to me. They are just few but you will really know that they are TRUE everytime I need somebody to talk to, somebody who will share my depression and pain, somebody who I can share the happiness that I felt and somebody who will be there for me through thick and thin. True friendship is a gift which I really treasure most. They may not be present but you can feel their presence in time when you need them most.

Let me express my gratitude to the following persons who stands by me no matter what will happened:

1. Joy - my cousin, my confidante. A cousin of mine who never felt tired of listening to my unending heartaches and pain. She's always ready to give advice and the person who influence me to think POSITIVE and HAPPINESS. These two words were introduced to me by Joy during those times when tears just keep flowing on my eyes. It's a tough job for her I know but she helped me a lot. Pari nga nag surrender sa akin, but Joy really never left me until I got back on my feet again. You're not just a cousin but a true friend as well. She is also the person who encouraged me to write my thoughts and feelings. It really help me release the pain that I experienced and experiencing right now. " Never mind the grammar basta write lang ng write."

2. Gigi - a relative of mine. Actually she's my mom's second cousin so that makes her my aunt. We accidentally met in a seminar because we happened to be in the same agency but she's just connected to the city. This person gives me advice in a mature way. The values that we shared we're the same. The person who allowed me to cry and cry in front of her. The person who is ready to give a helping hand. I had shared EVERYTHING to her. I had nothing to hide from her. Maybe that's the reason why she understands me. She's just a text away. She guides me in every decision that I make and comforts me whenever I'm depressed. She keeps me company whenever I am alone. We had passed through the trials that we're given to us. Thank you gi!!!!

3. Onsoy - my GUARDIAN ANGEL. Why? He's just heaven sent. Who would have thought that our friendship will come this far. We just met in a training and after that we never stop communicating with each other. Onsoy never runs out of advices. He's very mature when it comes to that. He is my " man's point of view" everytime my analytical skills fails. A person who is very down to earth and ever ready to tour me around Kalibo. the person who introduced me to Bakhawan - a solemn place, Tagbak - a restaurant which cooks fishes fresh from the sea, the person who encourages me not to lose HOPE. He made me see LIFE in a simple way. It's not complicated, just enjoy the moment. He let me realize what is LIFE. He always gives me example. The quote that he shared to me that I will not really forget is " In His Time, mic".

4. FLICKERS - I may not have shared with them my entire Life but they are the friends who just want to laugh and laugh. They are the people who have lot of experience and strong enough to conquer life's battles. I really admire them for being risk taker and going out of their comfort zone. Thank you Kristin for the help in my research proposal. I really didn't expect that you would offer. Thank you for making me realize that I am a human being. These are just TRIALS. These too shall pass.

5. Manang Flo - my officemate. Sometimes God just sends the exact person when you need them most. She was the one who accompany me to E's sister's wedding. I dont know that I am very helpless at that time that I shared to her my problem. She was the one who first asked , how I was and I grabbed the opportunity to share with her my problem. She is the person who right now encouraged me to strengthen my ties within the BIG BOSS. She always reminds me that He is the SOLUTION to every problem, the ANSWER to every QUESTION. Just entrust to HIM the pains that you are experiencing right now.

Whew! God indeed works in mysterious ways. He sends people who could lessen up the burden that I am experiencing. Friendship is a gift and its worth to keep.

Thank You !!!!!!

2011-07-23T05:00:00.001-07:00

Thank God for giving me:

1. LIFE - though there are times the tough gets going and the going gets tough, still God is always there to forgive and give me another chance...

2. FAMILY -for being there always. I know I can't all this without them...

3. FRIENDS - for the shoulder to cry on, laughter to share with, amidst the heartaches and pains each one of us are experiencing, you are still there willing to listen, and listen and listen....Gigi, Manang Flo, thank you for your guidance and advices. Whatever the result of this, i know HE has the reason and whatever it is we don't know...

4. WORK - i have my monthly income to sustain my apartment, food and daily allowance plus my facial and wax..... im so blessed!!!!

5. OPPORTUNITY to TRAVEL - just gone to Palawan and hopefully . can visit Cebu and Bohol and Hongkong in the months to come.

a gift of friendship.....

2011-07-13T00:16:00.001-07:00

nang florle is new in the office. i learned her sincerity of being a friend this morning. i vent out to her my emotions regarding the present status of my relationship with E. i felt depressed when i learned that he was tag again with the pictures of the child. i also learned that he was online that sunday and he really never left a message for me. maybe he was just avoiding me or in a period of discernement. ng florle gave me advice to just pray and leave it up to HIM. He will be the One who will find the answers and solution. She even offered to accompany me to Nang e'e wedding tomorrow. im in a dillemma realy whether to attend or not. but i can feel the sincerity on ng emelyn's invitation. i know that nothing will be lost if i will go and maybe i will just gain her friendship. i m not expecting for E anymore. I am praying that this trials will be surpassed by me. no matter how big the problem is, God will make it small. Thank you ng florle for the encouragement, advice and the gift of friendship. i know this will never be forgotten and hopefully, i can return the same favor to you.

burn out..... stressed!

2011-07-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

Im really burn out with my daily activities. E has not called me since my birthday and i know i really have to accept things and expect nothing. frankly speaking, i miss him but i think God made a way to someone He prepared for me. When? i dont know. Hopefully soon. My life has no direction. I dont know what to do. Im at odd with my mom right now. The same cause. I dont know. Im insecure. Im a failure. I dont know what to do with my life. i wish happiness but happiness is far from me. I wish that my prayer will be answered but God answered my prayer in a diffrent way. i want my life to be in order but i dont know what's happening right now. I need to be away and refreshed. Right now, Im holding a book by Joce Meyer. hopefully his will help regain my self confidence. To YOU Lord, I entrust everything.

im hurting.....

2011-06-20T22:08:00.000-07:00

E has not called me since my birthday. im hurt for he is hanging me. i should really move on and try to accomplish whatever i can accomplish. i dont know what's happening in my life right now. it seems that everything is not falling into place. is this just a trial between the two of us? i should really move on and not expect. it will be GOd's intervention if ever we will be together again. I know in God's time, He will answer my prayers. I know that He knows what's best for me. He will never leave me. It's now all in His hands.

I miss E

2011-06-12T05:09:00.000-07:00

already!!!!!!! he called me on my birthday and just left a message on my fb last friday.... It's still complicated between the two of us..... I love him so much!!!!! Wish he would call soon!!!!!

tidbits.....

2011-05-09T04:25:00.000-07:00

it's been two months since i had spoke with E. But we chat on fb once in a while. Until now he has not explained to me things for he wanted to talk to me when he gets home. face to face kumbaga. well, that is 6 more months to go and i was left hanging. as of now, we're chatting every now and then and promised to call me this month. i had one missed call yesterday at 2am and another this morning. i was so deaf maybe not to hear my phone ringing. hopefully, he will call again.

**** i greeted my mom happy mother's day last sunday and in exchange she keeps bugging me about my contribution in our house painting. as usual, my mom spent her whole afternoon in her hobby " mahjong".

**** had visited the carmelite sisters this afternoon and asked for a prayer for E and me.

**** glad that my sister will practice here in roxas so i will not be alone in my pad again and in june a school girl will be joining us. i will be freed from my domestic responsibilities. :-)

****will pursue my love myself motto: facial,pedicure monthly and planning to have my hair rebond and my cousin's suggestion laser hair removal.... maybe armpit and lower and upper lip first. needs to save to meet all these.

**** still praying for guidance and discernment for E and me. Hope we could settle things peacefully and we could talk soon.

**** looking forward for my Palawan trip this june.

**** inspite of the pain im experiencing right now, still believing on the positive side of it. that's what i learned from my previous experience that's why i can manage my relationship problem right now...... better.

**** still hopeful for the best that life can bring.

betrayal

2011-04-18T05:22:00.000-07:00

when i checked my bf's fb account I saw newly tag pictures of him with a girl and her child. I was really hurt. The pictures were taken recently maybe before he left it's because he wore two earrings. He just had his ear bored just this March on his right ear. They are a picture of a happy family in the park. I was really hurt and the girl put a message on his wall : " hi hony, ingat ka lagi... behave! mwaaah!" Does E has an affair? Does E has a child? does he has a secret? I asked him before if he has a child but he denied.... I ve been praying so hard for this relationship.... that God will bless this relationship of ours. I texted her sister to see his fb account. And she too was surprised. She assured me that she will asked E about the picture when he calls.... Until now, E has not replied to my email. I know that I have to listen to his side.....I hope whatever I have in mind is false..... Maybe that's because he doesnt calls me babe anymore coz he already found another woman. Why am I always a subject of betrayal?

refreshed!!!!!

2011-04-09T06:25:00.000-07:00

My friend Rose asked to accompany her in a a salon to get her hair permed. I on the other hand is working on my budget since payday is still a week away. On the other hand, i also had a hair treatment and facial spa. I was so happy that I go with her since I felt refreshed. We're planning to have another treatment in the next month. Hope that Im going to get another hair treatment. We'll I should have a budget for this..... Hopefully, when E arrived he'll be surprised to see the beautiful me. ;-)

I miss my.....

2011-04-06T05:14:00.000-07:00

babe!!!!! Hope you'll call me one of these days. Take care and pray always!!!!!!

bored......

2011-04-01T01:22:00.000-07:00

i have some deadlines to meet and yet i dont have the focus to do it. I preoccupied myself playing plants and zombies. I really wanted to finish level 5-8.But zombies are very intellectual. They come in various forms. This game entertains me. But sometimes, I m afraid to play it especially at night.

Whew! Still have desadline to submit and Im not yet through. I really wanted to free myself from school work anymore.... This will be my last sem and I will already take my comprehensive exam before taking the thesis subject... Hopefully, I can finish all the requirements. I dont want to go back research and statistics anymore. I really wanted to finish it.

I miss E already. Hopefully, he'll call this week.He's saving so he could contribute to his mom's chemotherapy. I know that he's going through a hard time this time. I should not give him problems .He's working hard for his family. I just hope and pray that God will keep him safe always and give him good health. may God touch his heart to saty away from smoking ang drinking. May god enlighten his mind that vices will do no good to him......

It's Friday and tomorrow will be my class day... Hopefully, Sir C will accept my research proposal will less corrections......

prayers moves mountain.....

2011-03-19T05:04:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful that God answered my prayers. E called me yesterday..... Yehey!!!!!!I really miss him so much. E has no trace of anger nor hatred in his heart inspite of the things that i said to him... He's so kind. I'm just praying that E will stay away from his vices little by little. May God keep him safe always . May God bless him and guide him wherever he is. I love you babe!

invitation

2011-03-16T18:10:00.000-07:00

El's elder sister texted me inviting to their niece's 4th birthday this Sunday. I am reluctant to attend since I dont know the status of my relationship with El. I didnt confirm my attendance to the occasion. I should make certain alibi not to. But I really wanted to pay a visit to his mom who suffering from lung ca stage 4 right now.At least, I had come to visit her and nothing else. She has been good to me and i really appreciate her as a mother. She loves her children so much and she taught them good values. Im in a dilemma right now whether to go or not. Theyve been so good to me. It's just that El and I have individual differences. I love El..... so much....... Hopefully we can resolve our conflict soon.....♥♥♥ i miss him so badly already......please call.....

LQ

2011-03-16T04:10:00.000-07:00

El and I had a misunderstanding last Friday. I was fed up by him. He called me at 3am drunk. At least he still remember to call me though he is drunk. Its been 3 successive days already that he went home early morning drunk. I really felt bad. He texted me in the morning to call me that adds that really annoyed me. I uttered words that hurt him and gave him an ultimatum to call me midnight if not we're break anymore. He didnt text me til today and I learned this morning that he already left for Singapore. I really felt bad and I feel sorry for what I have done. Though I really wanted to say sorry for what I have done, I dont have the chance any more. I presume that he took my ultimatum seriously and that we're not an item anymore. I cannot cry and I did a thing that I dont mean it. I prayed that he will call but I dont want to expect anymore. I just want to assume that he really took it seriously. I know I was partly to blame on the situation coz I should understand him since he's facing a lot of problems right now. But getting drunk is not the answer.I wanted to support him but I can't. I really can't stand talking to men who are drunk and smoking. This is the usual cause of our arguments. Although he told me everything that he is drinking and smoking but I want him to slowly eliminate it due to health reasons. Where on earth can you see a person drink one case of sanmig?

Anyway, Im praying and hoping that he will call. If not... I should accept the fact and take on the consequences of my actions. Help me Lord to recover from this emotional toll again.

counting my blessings....

2011-03-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

I've been in my lowest these past week. A misunderstanding with my mom, schoolworks to accomplished, and other concerns.... i'm so stressed! my sister told me, " bi ko immune ka na sina." well, abi ko man but i'm not. i'm and really in the bad mood. women always blame this because of pre mentrual syndrome. hormonal.... it so happened that my cousin's blog entry is about counting one's blessings. i am thankful that my cousin allowed me to read her blog to keep me inspired. if you count your blessings , your problems shrink, but if you count/think your problems, your blessings shrink. Right! So, i must make it to the point to count my blessings always and be thankful for the abundance that God gave me.

a stable, well paying job..... good friends.... family....... opportunity to study, a place to live in, money to buy food, peaceful environment, my nieces who always make me smile and amused by their innocent querries, a life to enjoy, a very kind boyfriend, newly found best friend, availability of entertainment at my apartment.... i know that this would be unending. so everytime , i will feel so low, i'll just count my blessings.

let share this text message, my friend sent me this morning:

Things we must be thankful for:

1. Worries at the start of the day; means you're alive.

2. Headaches at the end of the end day; means you can still work hard.

3. Clothes that don't fit; means that you have a good appetite.

4. The mess to clean after a party; means you have friends around you.

5. Roof that needs fixing; means you've got a house.

6. Taxes to pay; means you're not unemployed.

7. Heartaches; means you love selflessly

8. Too many text messages; means you are remembered much!!!!

This simply means that we must appreciate the little things around us.... Thank you Lord!!!

my valentine's day....

2011-03-06T19:09:00.000-08:00

it was my first ever valentine with a date. i am lucky that el is on vacation right now and we were able to celebrate this special this of love together. eventhough, el has family problems, he took the effort to visit me in roxas to spend the day with me. he came early morning ( may lahing instik man gali bf ko) and we had breakfast together. the reason why he came early so he could go home after lunch since he has some carpenters to attend to in their house. we had mass and he waited for me til 11 am at gaisano with a bouquet of flowers in his arms. he was furious at me because i kept him waiting. " babe, sa tanang buhay ko, ngayon lang ako nakabitbit ng roses. pinagtitinginan na ako ng mga salesladies dito." hahahahahaha! i told him that maybe the salesladies are wondering that maybe his date will not meet him anymore.but inspite of that, i really appreciate him. it's my first time to receive flowers on valentines day. before i was the one who bought flowers for myself. yes, i did that and my eldest sister is my witness. we had lunch in the newly opened restaurant here in roxas with a friend and had a great day with. he left exactly at one pm. :-)

Thank you 2010.... God bless 2011!!!!!

2011-01-02T17:45:00.000-08:00

Time flies so fast. I can still vividly remember my sister's engagement last 2009 and before I noticed she was already married last december 2010. And before new year, she's in dubai already. Whew!!! if you're only slow in life's pacing, you can hardly do anything that you want. I realized to savor everyday of my life and enjoy whatever life may bring. Positivity is all I want to reign in 2011. It has been inculcated to me by my cousin 4 years ago and it's only now that it sinked in. I am happy and contented with 2010. My accomplishment especially that i'll soon finish all the subjects in my masteral. Hopefully, I still have the strength to finish all the requirements so i'm going to focus on some other things. I am praying that my 2011 will be blessed with prosperity and good luck and more blessings to come. For 2010 has been very good to me, my family relationship was rebuild especially to my mom. It takes prayers to accomplish this one and I have a very light feeling this new year. My Uncle Nilo was right that grudges is heavy to carry. I am faci9ng 2011 with hope and positivity. Hopefully, my prayers will be answered. Some of the things that I want to accomplish are the following:
1. lose weight... ( it's still first in my list and i really want to attain the 55kg target before the year ends.)
2. feel good about myself. that is continue my monthly spa and be conscious with what i wear. My mom always addres me "TOYANG" synanymous to "LOSYANG".
3. Finish whatever requirement I have in my MA subjects. It really hard to re enroll it again.
4, Visit at least one place that Ive never been to... Hongkong:-)
5. save at least 20% of my income. (2,800/month) since I will be finishing my MA and there's no tuition to worry about.
Hopefully, I can attain what I have listed above, with God's grace and blessings.....

2010-10-21T19:31:00.001-07:00

I just can't do away with my hatred towards my mother. is it because she didnt treat me nicely as what she did to my other siblings? she blackmailed me emotionally. she would always hit my ego. in short, she always hurt me. i remember from yesterday's forum that i attended. an opening remarks of the provincial director. it hit me. she said that there will always be misunderstanding within the family, office and organization and we should resolve it. because when you have anger inside your heart your good cells will be eaten by the bad cells and that bad cells will turn into cancer. i know that ive been hurdling this emotions a long time ago already and it didnt do me good. i just want to be happy and let go of this emotion. i've been hurt and i want to be healed. i want to be away..... as in away.... if only i have wings ........

biggest loser

2010-10-13T18:14:00.001-07:00

i just learned this morning through an application in facebook that im 8 kilograms overweight basing on my height. My height is 5'2" and my weight supposed to be is only 51.3 but last week when i weight myself, its 59.6. Naah, how can i have my ideal weight before december ? i realy need to work out on it.

I am only eating half cup of rice and really trying hard to avoid fatty foods. sometimes, its just that, its really good to eat. health wise, i really have to be conscious about it. of course, i really wanted to look good. i want to go back to my college weight which is 49.7 kg. i know that its hard to catch with it but i really have to. 17 pounds is really hard to loose but if i have the will to do it, i know before december, i am going to reach it.

how will i start? start now!!!!!! determiknation and patience. does this mean that i will just look at the food that is being serve to me ? or maybe just eat in moderation. yes! that's right, " just eat in moderation". Exercise means i need to put on my rubber shoes again and have my afternoon walk at the villareal stadium. whew! this would be tough but i really need to..... 52 kg before december... here i come.....

overweight

2010-10-13T18:14:00.000-07:00

happiness...

2010-10-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

... should exudes from within... goodbye heartaches....goodbye depression....goodbye anger and hatred.... goodbye bagggages.....

a prayer answered...... a sign?

2010-10-04T17:32:00.000-07:00

October is the month of the holy rosary. I vowed myself that I'll pray the rosary for the whole month so my prayer will be answered. The first mystery - i offered this for love, peace, happiness- that the baggages in my heart that my depression, hatred, anger, pain towards my mother be removed. The second mystery is for my relationship with Ellis - that God will bless our relationship if he is the right one for me or to give me a sign if he is the right one for me already. The third mystery is for my dad that he will be spared from any illnesses and for long life. The fourth mystery is again for my life's direction and the fifth for whatever I have in mind. I was not able to recite yesterday because my dad was admitted in the hospital. Last night Uncle Nil arranged my long time feud with my brother Frederick. All the emotions I have in my heart were poured out in the presence of my mother and my dad. My dad was even emotional. My mom now understands my pain and she even told me that all the hurtful things that were thrown to me by my mother were not said purposely. I can now do whatever I want according to her. Whatever i wanted to do with my life. Maybe this is already my answered prayer. Its very powerful and its maybe God's way of making my life worthwhile and meaningful. Im hoping for the best for whatever my life may bring.

from DEPORTMENT awardee to Ms. TALKATIVE

2010-09-19T23:51:00.000-07:00

from this................................................

to this????????....................................

demoralized..........did well

2010-09-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

i dont know how am i going to describe what had happened yesterday. we had prepared our research until late night for two consecutive days. some of my group mates even absent themselves from their duty. we went to iloilo yesterday inspite of the lack of sleep and unpreparedness. we arrived before 8 am that we finally looked an open restaurant just to fill our empty stomachs before the defense. Our professor arrived late, a little before 10 am. The classroom was in chaos doing last minute finalizations. Finally, our professor, asked the first reporter. She told us to keep quiet. I was sitted on my chair but she caught me talking to my seat mate! It was not that we were noisy. I just took notice of her hand that i accidentally put a ball pen mark. She then asked us to go out of the class. We were humiliated or demoralized. We're not even noisy. Later she asked one of our classmates to ask us to get in. We composed ourselves first before we entered the classroom. There were around 15 groups to report when she announced that @ 3pm we will dismiss. Whatttt? only 5 groups had finished reporting. What about us???? With all the effort and everything thank you na lang????!!!! Its good that the group before us insisted that we will continue with the presentation. When it was our turn, I stand up, composed and reported together with my groupmates.... Our professor may a little comment, say very good and clapped her hands. God, thank you that inspite of the experience, we did well!

scarred heart

2010-08-21T03:49:00.000-07:00

my heart was wounded...scarred.... how many times have i tried to forget but the pain is still there.... the memories are still here. I cannot forget the words my mother have thrown to me.... the exact words.... I can still recall the exact expression that my mother have. The insulting words that hit me..... it still crosses my mind everytime I retire to sleep and wake up. maybe this is why I really hate her. If she is not only my mother.... I have told her my deepest pain that she caused, the words to be threw back to her.... she's not the picture of a true mother. She has the favoritism. If only I have a different mother my life will never be like this...

things to do....

2010-08-20T07:40:00.000-07:00

1. lose weight... I really have to.....10 pounds before december.

2. have my hair rebonded.... have the same cut with Angelica Panganiban. I like the bangs and the straight hair.

3. facial...

4. look for some outfit....dress like 35..:-)

hating kapatid

2010-08-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

I watched movie this afternoon for I dont have anything to do. Just arrived from Sapian with Dad for we visited the Nazareno to pray for something weve been praying for. Gigi and I had a brief snack at junction though I really wanted to ask her to go with me to watch movie , but I cant since her husband and her had to go somewhere. I decided to watch this movie alone since I dont have anything to do. (twice mentioned). I was not able to start it from the beginning since I arrived late. The movie is good and funny. Of course, Vice Ganda's presence add spice and Sarah's wit. What I have noticed is that the movie used all the products that Sarah endorsed..... chicken bbq of jollibee, belo, charmee, m luiller, unica, magic sing, video city and of course globe lines and globe tatoo. What really made me notice is the role of JC devera as judai's seaman bf. He really portrayed the role with matching gold necklace and bracelet. can relate namn di ba? i ask my bf Ellis about that distinct feature of a seaman. Is this really a must? Ellis himself is wearing one, not gold but a silver thick necklace. YUck! You dont have to show off that you have one. But ayaw makinig sa akin. Anyway, judai's bump is already obvious kahit saang angle tingnan but I appreciate that she still portrayed the role very well. I still need the answer from Ellis why seaman are wearing thick jewelries... hehehehe! Overall rating 3.5.:-)

im just so happy......

2010-08-17T00:23:00.000-07:00

early morning today my mom called asking me to accompany her to sapian to visit the quiapo nazareno. she told me that we will pray for dad's recovery and for myself to have a boyfriend. i told her she need not to for I have already one. she clarified and i said YES i slready have one. she replied "ti, sige si dad mo nalang pangagdian ta." Im just so happy that finally i have the courage to tell her even though its not formal but then its ok at least she has the idea already. I emailed Ellis about it and he too was happy that my parents finally knew about us... eventhough its no yat detailed but at least " may priming na".

what is this I'm feeling?????

2010-07-27T22:02:00.000-07:00

this is hatred i know. i just can't accept things and leave them behind. the moment i open my eyes, my hatred towards my mom comes in. things that i wanted to tell her long before was keep inside my heart. it keeps coming back til i close my eyes in the evening. my friend told me that i am much luckier than other children for my parents sent me to school. she let me realize that other children grew up without their parents. im thankful that they did their obligations but what is bothering me is the emotional black mail that my mom had been doing since i was a child. i just cant accept that things that my mom treated me that way. i cannot have what i wanted unless my mom will blackmail me. from having a new dress to choosing a course in college to the time im supposed to get married. i dont know what's my fault. what i only knew was i was born in this world. maybe i am unwanted. but what the hell is my fault with that? i am not the one who made myself or even asked to be born in this world. i deserve to be treated as human. i deserve to be loved and to be. i deserve to be happy.
i cannot say this to my mother but if given a chance i will. she is kind to me right now and i dont want to ruin that moment /time. she is a bit nice to me but i dont know for how long...ive been praying to Him to take away w3hatever baggages i have inside my heart so i can feel peace and happiness...hopefully these will be taken away. i wanted to have serenity and peace....

feelings....

2010-07-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

i dont know why im feeling this way. excited..... maybe because my mom is asking me when i should get married.... at last, she's after my happiness now....:-) afraid, anxious.... ellis have not emailed me back.... is he busy? is he okay? does he has someone new? ...enough with this kind of thought... he is just busy period..... i really wanted to get married but i dont know with whom.... if ellis would just asked me.... hahahahha! im like a hopeless romantic.... hopeless romantic na gid ya..... i learned that my sister is in singapore with boyfriend... i can't believe it! my mom said dali a basi maunahan ka na naman.... pressured!!!!! pressured... excited.... anxious..... mixed feelings! whoa! hopefully, im going to have a nice day......

wish...wish...wish...

2010-07-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

last week, my officemate and i dropped by a colleague's store. she sells affordable jewelries, fashion jewelries i should say. we're going over to her display on RTW's when my officemate told me "mic , ari singsing ho, nami bala." I smiled. I told her that I m not wearing ring since my ex and i broke up and swore that I will not be wearing one unless somebody will give it to me or put it on my ringfinger. I dont know if this wish will come true. Ellis had asked for my ring size 2 months ago b ut I dont dont gave it to him for I dont know what's my ring size honestly, and I want to know how sincere he is. I dont want to expect because it really hurt when you expect something that you dont know whther it will happen or not. I ve been praying so hard that this relationship will succeed no matter how many trials are we going to face. May God bless both of us.

gifts.....

2010-07-19T23:31:00.000-07:00

i felt good yesterday. i just woke up feeling okay. a good night sleep might be the reason why. sleeping in my soft bed with 4 large pillows that sorrounds me and with the cool climate.....whew! i wish it's weekend. the activity went well. before the afternoon ended we were able to complete the number of couples required. we went directly to a friend's store and temptation were there. i purchased a cute pair of earrings. on my way to roxas, my friend gigi texted me that she has something to give me. i hurriedly went to their house excited . i was wondering what is she going to give me. upon my arrival, she handed me this beautiful bracelet as her late birthday gift. i was touched by her gesture of giving me or remembering me even its two months late already. i am very happy. i am happy because i chanced upon a gap dress in ukay ukay yesterday. good find. i am happy because i was able to purchased a cute pair of earrings. and now an unexpected gift- beautiful bracelet was given to me. truly, unexpected blessings just come along the way. this reminds me of God's neverending surprises to me. :-)

Think Happy!!!!!

2010-07-14T19:01:00.000-07:00

Happiness is all I want right now. Lord, take away the negative baggages in my heart. Depression, anger, hatred, unhappiness,.....Wipe them away, O Lord

U.K. finds

2010-07-04T17:54:00.000-07:00

Im looking forward to Sunday every week not because of family gathering or barkada dine out but its because of ukay ukay. Im always excited to find imported worth signature clothes in ukay ukay. Just imagine I purchased a Calvin Klein jeans for only 300 pesos. It's so new and it really fits me well. I like the shade of the jeans.

Some of my purchases were mostly shirts which I love. It only costs 80 pesos each and i love it. Imagine when you buy shirts in local stores which costs 500 and above? maybe Im just practical nowadays especially that prices of commodities are getting expensive. Aside from this its just for me to give them away when I dont like them anymore.

The fabric is nice and cool. I dont mind sometimes when I get stains on it but sometimes makes me broken hearted especially if I really like the item. Although my sister bought some in the US But still I like the ukay ukay. Because its so cheap. You only have to be early because everybody is after ukay ukay now adays and signature items. I have an officemate who collects signature bags. They're really authenticated signature bags. Name it. She has Parada, LV, D&B, and her latest the Roberto Cavalli. She was the one who influenced me to buy bags in ukay. Because aside from being cheap, I can change bags as often as I want.

I also have purchased a pair of ballet flats in ukay ukay. The only advantage of wearing ukay is that I am always mistaken that what Im wearing is from ukay though my sister purchased it the US.

I really have to control myself sometimes because it drains my budget. :-)

ny dad....

2010-06-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

will talk to me this lunch....this is something to be serious again. whatever! :-)

over lechon kawali and rice.....

2010-06-23T19:03:00.000-07:00

last independence day, I received an early morning call from my aunt, inviting me to lunch in baybay. She really emphasize " tatlo man lang ta ni uncle mo, birthday man ni manang mo cathy." i accepted her invitation. but at the back of my mind, there's something serious that will happen. my aunt is concerned about my not so good relationship with my brother. my auntie madre and uncle pari is already concerned and worried. she told me if its is aminable to me, she will arrange a meeting between me and my brother. she will also talk to my brother. i didnt answer but my aunt i know will really do something about it. hopefully, the result will be good. i would to compose myself before the day comes.

alone

2010-06-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

Im living all alone in the apartment. I have nothing to do, no one to talk to. This is what I wanted before but I don't like the feeling. I can see the apartment as an empty space. I thought I can live with it. But I can't. I just want to show my mom that I can but the truth is I can't. It's better if my brother is here but I can't stop him from looking his opportunity in Manila. As I lay down in my bed at night I can hear my heartbeat. I usually grab my rosary and my phone. I usually wake up late but lately Im already awake as early as 4:30 am. Idont know until when I am going to be like this. I want to live like an independent woman like any cosmopolitan lady Ive read in magazines.
I have my pride that's why. But I really need to lower it just to have a healthy relationship with my mother. We had long been friends until election that I insulted her and I was hurt by her reply. I usually do that to her as a joke but maybe that time I hitted her ego. I got that attitude from her for she always blackmails me or sometimes hit my ego that's why I also do it to her.
I wish Im happy. I wish Ihad a healthy relationship with my family. Im trying but sometimes I reallly have to humble myself. I just need to be quiet and suppressed my emotions.
Thank God for friends who are always there for me. I just pray that sooner my apartmentwill not be an empty place anymore. I hope that Ill be stronger and brave enough toface all these. I wish I will never be alone again.

my wishes....

2010-06-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a shiny white teeth.... My bf told me that I had a nice set of teeth that's why he fell in love with me. This morning I noticed that There's something in between my two incisors. It's not nice to look at. Im planning to visit the dentist today but its brown out, maybe I'll try this afternoon.

I wish I can carry myself well. Dress well... and walk confidently. A lady who can just laugh at life's problem. Wears a smile always. Doesnt mind what others will say about you. A lady that has zest for life.

I wish I am financially secure so I can travel to Bohol and HK. Ang babw ko lang talaga.

I wish I had a family of my own where I can share my laughter and sorrows. Children who will fill my emptiness and can make me smile with their innocent looks.

These are just wishes but wishes do come true.... :-)

senti.....

2010-06-02T04:50:00.000-07:00

I miss Ellis. I miss talking to him, sharing my thoughts and have a good laugh.....I wish he's always here with me. I really miss him. I miss his fatherly advice. I really miss his concerns...Hope you'll call. I love you babe! I miss you so much! It's so hard that you're away. Baby, I love you.... I miss you!!!!!

birthday adventure in bora

2010-06-01T22:51:00.000-07:00

This trip to bora has been planned since last year and it only made realize this month. Actually, Rose mentioned about going to bora last October to attend the PNA Convention and she mentioned to me the registration. I was hesitant coz its very expensive and I know that I will not be spending that much if I will going to have fun in bora. I told her about it and she too didnt go in the convention. We planned in going this summer but it was postponed due to unavoidable circumstances. At last, this last week of May it was made come in time for my birthday. Months before the scheduled date, I already ask permission from my boyfriend and asked me if he could come and i told him its just girl's fun. I informed also a very good friend of mine in Kalibo in the person of Onsoy, who helped us booked for a cheap but worthy accommodation. Plus, Tita Nelon, Ellis' mother invited us to dropped by their house on our way to bora cay.

DAY 1

I qualms of going since I havent asked permission from parents. My conscience is bothering me and out of respect , though my mom and i are not in good terms, i called and informed her of my trip. Rose and I left Roxas via L300 at 10 in the morning. We arrived Kalibo at exactly lunchtime where Onsoy met us at Chowking. He then dropped us in l300 terminal for Caticlan. The trip was smooth and we arrrived boracay at 4pm. We were surprised by our room because it is airconditioned and has cable TV and the hotel charged us for only 1,400 per night. What a good acccommmodation. Its the extension hotel of La Carmela de Boracay. I texted Onsoy to thank him . Aside from that we have our free breakfast at La Carmela de Boracay. Sounds sosyal coz we have also the priviledge of using the pool at La Carmela. Aftern billeting, we stroll on the shore of bora until Station 1, had dinner at Andoks in talipapa ( so far they're the cheapest) and had our night swimming at the beach. We planned to use the pool but its already closed. Had picture taking in every coconut tree that we passed.... to have the feel of summer.

DAY 2

Had a hearty breakfast at la Carmela . Stroll at the shore until Vandyll offered us for a helmet diving for only 500. Vandyll is one the people that you can see on the shoreline offering activities to the guest. " helmet diving ma'am, island hopping, actv ma'am" are their lines to the tourists. At first I was hesitant but later was convinced to try helmet diving since I already asked my younger brother about it. The experience was very nice. An orientation with the master diver was done. "equalize" is very important when you are underwater. Before I went down, I told my diving instructor " manong, di mo ko pagpabay an ha?" He assured me by saying " ur safety lies with us". I met a problem in going down that I had to sign my instructor that I already want to go up coz I cannot tolerate the pain in my ears anymore because of the pressure. But the instructor keep on giving me signal to equalize until im okay. I enjoy the helmet diving though I dont know how to swim I was able to go underwater. Sa panaginip lang dati, o sa movie nakikita now Im doing it myself. Its a once in a lifetime experience. After helmet diving, we went boating around the islang with just the use of paraw. Kungbaga, our lives lies on the will of the wind. I only realize now that its dangerous. What if the boat capsized???? We then went snorkling.Its my 3rd time so I didnt enjoyed much. We had our lunch and slept the whole afternoon.

DAY 3

Had breakfast at La Carmela. Bought packed lunch at Andoks and headed to Nabas for Hurom Hurom Cold spring. We just stayed there for two hours . At least we had the cooling effect of the water to ease the pain of our sunburn. We dropped by Ellis' house in Kalibo after where lunch is preapared for us by his mother. I really appreciate their warmth and accomommodation. They're very kind to me ( which is my exact opposite that im treating my sis in law). Then we headed to Roxas after lunch.

The whole trip was very smooth, enjoying and im happy. Though I didnt get that support from my mom( we're not on speaking terms) but there are people who accepts and appreciates me as i am. Im looking forward to boracay again to try another adventure.... atcv/actv, whatever.... slide for life and parasailing..... when's the next adventure??????? only God knows....:-)

35 years of existence.......

2010-05-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

few days from now i'll be turning 35. my mom went here today to ask me what im going to prepare for our "torno" in flores de mayo. my sisters envied me for that since every birthday i'm the only one with preparation because of the flores de mayo. my mom threatened me that she will transfer it on my sis in law's birthday well i took it with a light heart. it doesnt matter with me . i took it the positive way. thinking of what i have accomplish so far.... i have help my brother's education, i contributed to some renovation at our house, i have my first boyfriend at the age of 29 and heartbroken at the age of 31, have my second bf at the age of 34 and hoping that hopefully i will settle down, had finished a caregiver course and currently enrolled in MAN and hopefully will finish it next year. i dont know why i am not happy.it seems that there is something missing in my life inorder for me to be happy. i am living alone in my apartment right now since my brother will be leaving to manila on friday for possible work. i am alone, depressed and trying to be happy. i dont have a good relationship with my mom and brother and that add to my burden right now.thanks to my friends who are always there listen rose - my walking buddy, gigi - my motherly friend, minzy - who makes me smile whenever she crack jokes. i dont know until when i'll be alone. my birthday wish happiness, love and peace. may God eliminate this heavy burden in my heart, grant my prayer that finally He will give my lifetime partner and hopefully God will give me the blessings that I need. Think positive..... bear in mind that " with God nothing is impossible."....Smile..... Be happy......

"change yourself to change your life"

2010-05-12T18:26:00.000-07:00

I got this message in facebook in one of its application. I am wondering that this is really true. Reassessing my life, it has no direction, i am not happy, my heart is full of baggages. why? i cannot let go of that feeling of resentment. i cannot forgive myself, my mother and i keep blaming my sister in law for what happened in my life. It has been four years since that happened and I cannot let go of that feeling. My mother is not in good terms right now. Weve been arguing eversince. My relationship with her is not that close since I also have grudges to her. What Ive been fighting since I was a child is still the same that Ive been fighting now. Why can't she treat me the same way as treat my other siblings? What's the matter with me? Should I just keep quiet and dont mind her?
These are the things that I need to change:
1. Increase self confidence - its like loving myself more. Diet, exercise, and good grooming.
2. Isolate myself from my mother so we will not clash everytime we see each other.
3. Keep my mouth shut! NObody will be hurt.
4. Mind my own business. So envy, greed will be eliminated from my heart.
5. Positive thinking. Eliminate negative thoughts. Think happy thoughts so all the negative baggages in my heart will be eliminated.
6. Pray always.
7. Smile.
8. There still hope. Just be good.
9. Life is full of mystery. Never give up.
10. Take chances. Risks. Do not mind what other people will say.
Hopefully this will work out..... God bless me!!!! Good luck!!!

my mother

2010-05-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday was mother's day but I can't even greet my mother on her day. I have that feeling of hatred towerds her treating me different. I dont know. I know it sounds impossible but the hatred that i have inside my heart was accumulated ever since I was born. WE even have an argument last Monday. I know its my fault bacause I insulted her. Why is she like that? Is the problem with me or with her? I cannot maintain a peaceful relationship with her for a long time. Maybe bacause I cannot for give her for what she said to me before which really hurt my ego. Im trying to isolate myself from her so I will not see her care for her umagad. Its better that way so I cannot comment her in a hurtful way. She told me" lantawa kabuhi mo kay kasuplada sa imo". well, who taught and develop me to be this way? Why i am like is also because of her. She treated me differently. Im trying to be good yet she's still bias. I will not surrender to her because i deserve to treated with respect and love.

truth... honesty..... surprised

2010-04-18T18:41:00.000-07:00

Ellis just arrived on the first week of April and we met only once since then. He came to visit me last Monday but upon seeing him, I was disappointed. He was groggy since they had an occasion the other night. I swooed him away because I dont like by the way he look. I was very angry that I really hurt his ego. He told everything to his mother and he aws reprimanded. I dont know if I would endure to be in this situation. Im having a relatioship with the so called bad boy image. I discovered that he's even a playboy before and had short lived relationships. He's honest enough to tell me about that even his vices. I don't know if I would appreciate his honesty or would be dis appointed about it. He promised to stay away from smoking and drinking but how would I know? I know that nobody's perfect and a perfect person is boring. A friend before told me that it's to have someone with vices and who get tired with it than those who are prome and proper pero sa loob ang kulo. I really dont know I hope that astime goes by i will discover some other things about him. It's better to know him better before committing .....Tama palang kasabihan na hindi mo makilala and tao unless na you're in a relationship with him. I need more time to know him. I m not sure where this relationship will lead both of us. I always tell him that this relationship will bringout out the best in us. let's see.

choices

2010-03-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

i received a text message from my best friend telling me to think it over and wait for the proper time. manang emelyn (ellis sister) and minzy had a talk regarding ellis and me. The family really likes me according to her but worried about ellis' attitude. its about the being a chickboy and lapitin ng mga girls. i understand ellis. he has not outgrown yet his papable days especially that he's a seaman. i told him that he must enjoy his life first before he settles down. I told my friend minzy that i need more time to know ellis more and i want to have a discovery weekend with him to know him more and know his life's goals and decisions. for the meantime, i need to enjoy his company first. i was just speechless when ellis called me to ask my ring size. whew! i don't know how would i react if that happens but i must stand to my decision that i want to know him more first, he even asked me if i could already introduce him to my parents. i told him that im not ready yet and assured me that he's willing to wait. im praying for guidance in my life's direction.

what i want......

2010-02-28T17:40:00.000-08:00

Its the first day of March and im overwhelmed by the fast pace of the life. I was offered a job in canada and i decided to accept it. Last February my aunt from canada arrived and she asked me of my decision and i told her i want to try.... I don't want to make a big deal on that coz I dont want to expect. I don't want to be affected by whatever I am doing right now. Im starting to prepare whatever documents I need so far Im waiting for my request from my aunt. I want to apply for 1 day leave to get my documents in Iloilo but I really can't find time. Anyway, Im planning to apply as part time instructor in the College of Nursing in one of the colleges here. I want to finish my masteral. Anyway, the processing of my papers in canada will take two years. Whatever will happen in the next two years, I don't know. All I want is to settle down and have my own family. Right now, I dont know what's the status of the relationship. He's not yet financially stable. Basta may hinihintay na application sa canada. But it seems that my aunt want to see my aggressiveness in the application. I can feel that my "yes" is not enough. They really want me to follow up. Anyway, I just want to prepare my papers. Whatever!!!!!

yes.... maybe...no.....

2010-01-06T00:33:00.000-08:00

I remember the movie of Sam Milby and Bea Alonso which I already forgot the title that Bea is using this toy which I also forgot how she called whenever she has decisions to make. I wish I had one also with a mirror so I can foresee the consequences of the decisions that Im going to make. I was touched when my boyfriend called me this morning saying that " sana man lang pinag isipan mo muna bago ka nagdecide." he has the point. I am againthinking of the decisions that I made although I havent talked with my aunt in canada yet, there are a lot things playing in my mind already. There are a lot of ifs and buts. I just wanted to follow what my heart is saying. There is still a lot of time to refuse. I just want to be happy. I dont where am I going to get that happiness. I dont want to be treated as yaya. I been watching my nieces and even acting as theor sorrogate mother but I realize that I cannot work as a nanny to my cousins baby. I am building my self esteem right and doing so might again affect on how I see myself. I dont want also that my cousins will look at me that way although there purpose is to help me get there in Canada and they're very sincere. I dont know. Yes... Maybe.... My aunt will be coming over this february and I really need to make a decision. They are considering other relatives if im going to refuse. I dont know the content of the contract yet. Maybe its just a matter on how I see the offer. God, I need a sign. I dont want to regreat later.

Plans for 2010

2010-01-04T18:36:00.001-08:00

My mom told me the day before new year to get rid of the baggages in the heart. That "pandora box" should be removed already since it draws negativity. She even asked me to take on the communion during the new year's mass. I appreciate her concern and thinking that God might have answered my prayers already. I am urging her to watch Mano Po 6 - a mother's love so she will realized what a real mother is. But she refused. She tols me that she doesnt like to watch it. I smiled, thinking that I hit her ego. I was sleeping when 2010 arrived . I woke up with a smile on my face. I was thinking of what i am going to accomplish this year.

1. SElf improvement - well, my mom noticed already the glow on my face. She even asked me if i had my regular facials. I said yes and even told her to come with me. I owe this glow on my face to kojic acid( that my cousins from manila reccommended) and the relationship that i have now. I would like also to thank my cousin Joy for the encouragement to work on this self improvement. Joy, you still owe me that eyebrow contouring. hahahaha! i hope we can find time for that when I'll be in Manila.

2. K magazine- My sister from manila who recently spent his new yewar with us, brought home an old issue of K mag and encourages me to read because the articles deals with moving on and inspiring articles of Kris Aquino. Well, I bought one last week and she's right. But most of the mags contents are pictures from Kris' vacations. There are only few articles that they published. Anyway, this is the magazine that im going to buy instead of fashion magazines.

3.MA class- i will still enroll on MAN though my our second sem class has not yet started. I have used my vacant time wisely and it give s me update on my nursing profession.

4. Walking exercise - I started this last year with my MA classmate, Rose and until now we're still doing it. My week will not be complete without visiting the oval in Villareal Stadium. Aside from relieving stress, it help me to keep fit. I hope to loose 5 lbs more although I want to hit the 55 kg weight. THat's 6 kilos more to go or 12 something lbs. Little by little, I hope to reach that weight.

5. Cebu - I ve been planning for this 3 years ago but it doesnt push through. Its still on my list to be accomplished. I just want to visit the miraculous Sto. Niño in the basilica.

6. Pray. Pray. Pray..... I am attending mass almost everyday and i want to continue this practice. Hopefully, I can pray the rosary also everyday which i tried but i only end up sleeping before I can finish one decade. I am inspired by former Pres. Aquino ( wow! fan na gid ko ya ni Kris!) that in every situation is just holding on to the Blessed Mother by praying the rosary.

7. Lessen my encounter with my mom- don't get me wrong, but what i mean is .... that heated encounter with my mom. I'll try to be good. I also tried this before but I failed. I cannot help but speak what my heart feels but hopefully this time, I will use non offensive words.

8. Journal - I started my journal last december. I refused to do it during the previous years. Thanks to my cousin, Joy, for the encouragement. It washes away negative feelings when I express myself through writing. I should have done this before but I know its not too late yet. As what Joy had said," Forget about the grammar, basta write ka lang ng write." Hopefully, I can find time to update this blog also. Again, thanks to Joy for introducing me to blogging. Just imagine, Joy, 7 years younger than me giving me encouragement and advices helping me with this self improvement. It really help me a lot in increasing my self worth. Thank you Joy......

9. Positive thinker - i will try to develop attitude to lessen my worries,fears and concerns and coupled it with a prayer.

10. Smile.... Smile....Smile - it gives glow, relief, attracts blessings.

May 2010 be my year. Whatever will happened this year, let it be according to His will. Let Him be the person to lead. Just follow and I know I never go astray.

new year... new start... new opportunities......

2010-01-04T17:55:00.000-08:00

i was surprised when i received a call from my aunt that my aunt in canada is considering me to apply as caregiver to my cousin's baby boy. i gave my nod right away without any second thought. but when i arrived in my office, i can't helped but felt palpitations. its just that i remember what i said to myself before after a series of failures( lovelife, career, examinations, applications) that i will not apply for a job abroad anymore and just wait for my new york application. there is also my boyfriend to consider that i dont even know what his plans are. i received a text message from my sister in new york and i replied that im in a dilemma right now, she was intrigued and called me right away. i told her about the offer and she adviced that it needs no decision anymore since its an oppotunity. i was forced to tell her that i am in a relationship right now and she gave me positive advices like, my bf can follow me later or i can get married on my own ( read it: civil). there's nothing to be afraid of. she told me not to dwell on the past, cite examples like what my sisters are doing( they do whatever they want to do), not mind what other people wil say. she also told me that my parents wanted me to get married but i was the problem (read: attitude). her advices gave me a feeling of relief. it helped me look things in a positive way. i appreciate my sister's effort eversince. she wanted me to live a good life. our conversation was cut maybe her phone was out of load already. a minute later i received a text message from her: " congrats! nami gali ang sulod sang 2010 sa imo. work on your your caregiver certificate." i smiled... i realized that i am not mature enough to decide on my own yet. i still need somebody to give me a better picture of the situation. i have not overcome the fear inside me yet. my friend gave me also advice to just take it. application process is still long so what am i afraid of? enjoy the now and don't worry about tomorrow. i am very thankful for these persons that God gave me. they influenced me to take life easy and enjoy whatever is given to me. i realized that i wasted so much of my life dwelling on the sorrows that need not to be remembered. although, anxiety is present at times, i tell myself that this is a challenge for me and the relationship. i cannot predict the future. Only God knows what will happen. and i entrust everything to HIm. I would like to end this entry of mine with a quote: "if you worry, you're not praying, but if you're praying, don't worry."

moved in......

2009-11-02T19:06:00.000-08:00

ive just moved in from my new apartment. it's beside a law office and front of another law office. the sister of my bro in law already needs my place for business perhaps so i need to leave. My parents wanted me to move to place nera my brother's apartment but oi refused to avoid the extent of our conflict. i dont know why all the people are against me? Our former schoolboy told me that an aunt commented that i should stay at my brother's apartment. i was hurt by that comment that they just dont understand this things happened. i dont meddle with their lives and why would she comment like that? i felt insulted....... i learned also that my dad was the one whopaid for my brother's daughter's baptism 2 years ago. my dad told our former schoolboy that he spend so much with that baptism in bacolod. why is it that there is a need for them to impress the girl's family well infact, my brother is earning P 50,000 per month? they even bought him a second hand car ( at least second hand lang) because they don't want my brother's wife to ride in a tricycle for she is working in a bank.... is that reasonable? well infact, my dad's pension is not even enough for him to buy his medicines..... i confronted my mom about this before but we only ended in a heated argument.... my sister will be getting married on december next year and i don't even heard a negative comments from them. Why is it that during my time, my mom gave me veryu hurtful comments, even balckmailed me emotionally for the sake of the wedding of my brother. She is the one who even asked my sister to marry na.... bakit nung ako, puro lahat negative maririnig ko sa kanya? NIlait nya pa ex ko? My mom is vey excited withe the wedding of my sister next year in tagaytay.... Kasi mayaman yung lalaki at abogado.... Sorry to write about this.... its sounds sourgraping but im just writing what im feeling right now. Didn't i deserve my own happiness? Why are they so selfish about my happiness? The way I see it, they're even blaming me on my misunderstanding with my brother... I dont know. I dont even want to spend my holiday in maayon since my mom will be preaparing for the pamanhikan.... my sister will be arriving from london on december 18.... and my mom is already looking forward to that...... christmas will be new ... new apartment ...new life.... new friends.... lokking back for the year 2009, i had so much to thank for inspite of this negative emotion that im feeling right now. Im still praying for things to change....for people to change, for mysef to change..... for the better

lovelife

2009-06-24T06:30:00.000-07:00

my bestfriend told me that she gave my number to the mother of his cousin. november of last year, an hour after my self encounter retreat, my phone rang with an unfamiliar number. i dont have a chance to answer the phone right away. i just ignored it. on my way home at around 9 in the evening my phone rang again and it as my best friends cousin. i dont take it seriously since he's a seaman and i was not impressed by the way he talked. i told him that im on my way home and to just call me after 15 minutes. when i reached the apartment my parents were there so i put my cel on a silent mode. the next day, when i checked my phone, i have 8 miscalls. i dont know that im not impressed with the seamen. maybe because of my impression of them. i didnt expect that this person would be serious of getting to know me. he knew that im the daughter of an ex mayor and told me that he's willing to accept whatever my decision is. wow! i have not even meet this person and he's courting me. im a little careful this time that i dont want to happen my previous experience in having a relationship. i told him that im not accepting suitors on the phone. this person went home in april eventhough his vacation is scheduled in june. he made it two months earlier that he told me that he's excited to meet me. he even planned to have his flight in roxas instead of kalibo, his hometown. maybe he's just a hopeless romantic just like me before. i can see myself in him 5 years ago. how time flies since i entered my first relationship. he courted me and i dont know what happened. after 1 month and 6 days from the first time that we met, we became a couple. i dont know, i was not feeling well that time that all i wanted was to go home. i woke up early that day, 2:30 am to be exact just to be at the airport by 3 am for my flight in roxas. when i arrive roxas, i just took a bath and went to sapian for my field work. i was home by 7 pm and had a date at 8 pm with him. we had dinner and had talked. he proposed and i told him, i was not feeling well. i just listened to him and i also explained my side. until i finally gave him my YES... i feel his sincerity, maybe a plus because he's the cousin of my bestfriend, i pity him and i dont know. i was even surprised when i saw a text message from him saying thank you and i love you.... whatever will happen in this relationship, i just entrust it to Him. my parents dont even know this. only my other best friend, his mother and the person who will have the chance to read this. im not ready to come out into the open because im afraid what will be my mother's reaction if she will learn that i am in a relationship again - not to the person that she expect me to be - may titulo ang ngalan, manggaranon. i dont know what will happen if she will learn that he's only a seaman - not a doctor or lawyer like the boyfriends of her daughters.... To me, goodluck! just enjoy and be happy!!!!! I just want to be HAPPY and I AM HAPPY right now.

loving myself....

2009-03-05T17:57:00.000-08:00

everytime i wake up in the morning impraying that i will meet my future husband.... but then God is deaf and might want me to wait longer. i just can't imagine myself alone for the rest of my life. my brother will be leaving for manila this april and i will be all by myself in the apartment. i don't want to go back since i have established my independence already. i can go out anytime and can go anywhere without asking my parents permission. ive been asking God to give somebody to love me for the rest of my life and yet that person has not yet arrive. im wondering what i have done why God is punishing me? i didnt even have pms with my then bf and i did not conform with his decision to marry in civil. am i this really bad? i just want to be happy and the happiness that im looking for is not even within my reach. this morning, i told myself what if i just cease to pray ? will He still give me happiness? I don't know. basta masimba lang ko adlaw2. hambal ko self ko, why not focuced on other things? like what? here's my list.
1. lost at least 10 kg. - gawalking na ko every other day and looking for companion na makabadminton ko.
2. visit the derma kag mag padiamond peel... basta may datis lang
3. invest in good clothes - yanda ko lang naappreciate hambal sang magulang ko to dress up.
for the meantime muna lang danay. bahala na da kon may maila sa akon.

destiny

2009-02-07T01:16:00.000-08:00

it is we who makw our destiny...but sometimes people told me it will just arrive. i dont know. ive been praying for him to come but then my prayer was not yet answered. what will i do? help!!!! should i exert more effort? should i go somewhere else? friends heve been setting me for a date and yet nobody like me. should i find him or just wait for him? help!!!! i need your help!!!!

rejected

2009-02-02T04:41:00.000-08:00

i am once again rejected. my friends had been setting me for blind date for so many times already but unfortunately all of them dont like me. the recent reason i learned is that im fat. how on earth they would comment that on me? i know that's true but do people like have no chance to be loved by somebody? why do fat people are not likeable? is it because were not sexy? it hurts but it challenge me to lose a few pounds.

black mail

2009-01-22T18:49:00.000-08:00

i just can't understand why my mom always use this tactic to me - black mail. everytime i will not adhere to her, she would always tell me " indi ka magpalapit sa akon kon may kinahanglan ka ha? Tilawan mo lang". This is a free country and I have the right to refuse. Mu aunt died in Manila and she was asking me to accompany her in Malipayon -their house, I refuse coz it's simple trycycle ride to go there. I refused and she got mad. Really Mad. She always back mail me even I was still a child. She would let me apply floor wax in the whole before she would allow me to go to Capiz ( ROxas), she would like me to accompany her in every occasion when my dad was still a mayor - kasal, bunyag, lubong,(KBL)present ko na - or else she would gte mad. Its her defense mechanism. She didnt apply this to my other siblings. Maybe she knew that Im very sensitive that I would always follow her. But look what happened to my life in following her? I didnt get any consolation. I thought that when time comes that I will need her support, she would help me but im wrong. I dont know where i would placed myself. The mother image that im expecting is not her. Why did she always hurt my feelings? Why would she balckmail me always? Didnt she know that its not emotionally healthy? May God Bless Her for a Change of Heart.

how this started?

2009-01-10T19:56:00.000-08:00

i remeber that im not appreciated at home. ive been scolded by my dad too many times already that ive been so manhid. kon diin ko nagtigulang didto pa nagtig a ulo ko. kon ano nahimo ko sala.puro sala?ngaman amo na? its just easy for me to scold me? i am the least in the family.i am my parents failure. i am not an achiever as my other siblings. im not an academic type. i am different from them. i am PLASTIC, SUPERFICIAL, a SHIT.I am just that little creature .in short muta paglantawnila sa akon.i can feel it.Hopefully,this will not last long. hope i will fix it as soon as possible. and will never doit again.WALA AKO PULOS.........

wake up call....

2009-01-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

what should i do with myself?how will i regain my old self? everybody is angry with me?what should i do? if i can just go away.....as in away...... how can i correct myself? i am isolating myslf to evrybody....what im doing is so that everybody will hate me. what happened last night is a wake up call for me. ive been asking my friends whats wrong with me but they told me there's nothing wrong with me. last night is a wake up call for me.... should i begin here? i have already started but been doing the wrong thing.

last night.....

2009-01-10T19:03:00.000-08:00

my sister was very very mad at me. i texted her rude text. it was just a joke but it sounds sarcastic. i never really learned. i just posted on my blog last wednesday that if i have nothing more to say, ill just keep my mouth shut. there's really something wrong with me. she called me double personality (psychotic that's what i understand in what sh'es trying to say), wala pulos, plastic9 that im very to others while in the true sense,imnot), wala gadugay nga lalaki sa akon because of my attitude( again going back to my old relationship, i started it with a joke...it was really my fault), 33 nako wala man gyapon gamature.i just cried. i tried to answer back but she was right and i admit that. eventhough how i tried to go back to my old self, i fail. i committedthe same mistake all over again. i feel that everybody is against me.my mother is angry with me. i have a long standing misunderstanding with my brother and now my sister. there's really something wrong with me. she is very straightforward. im trying to be good but what im doing is the opposite. should i say, my family is angry with me.it all started with my failure in relationship, exams, application. i have done nothing to prove myself to them. i am not respected by my younger siblings( dapat ba?). they have already proven themselves. syempre my parents was very impressed of them.and if there's someone to blamed in the situation its going to be me. how can i succeed in my quest to go back to my old self. wala ko pulos. it really hurt me but its true. that's what my extoldme before that im not already the person he met.i really changed. i dont know but i justwant to assert myself. what should i do? i know that this is not me.i want to go back tomy old self.

promise....

2009-01-07T17:52:00.000-08:00

if i have nothing good to say.... il just keep my mouth shut.
whatever i feel, ill just keep it to myself except to my clsoe friends who understand me.

CHANGE

2009-01-04T23:40:00.000-08:00

why is it that im feeling this way? i really wanted to change. but i cant. i want to have peace in my heart and in my mind. i dont want to hold any negative feelings inside my heart. its so heavy. i want change. PEACE, LOVE, HAPPINESS.... is all what i need. how can i achieved it. i want CHANGE.

my new year's resolution

2009-01-04T17:47:00.000-08:00

im thinking of what im going to do this 2009... i dont want to look back what i have achieved for 2008 coz im not contented.... im not happy.... or maybe what ive been asking was not answered. i want to do things for a change to give a lift in my life.
1. lose weight(as usual di parin ako nag lose weight hopefuly im going to lose 10 kilos this year)
2. travel outside of the country ( HK or thailand lang muna)
3. acquire myself a laptop
4. continue my MA class
5. reinvent myself
6. put away the negative things - minimize arguments with my mother-dapat wag na talaga,try to befriend my sis in law
7. self confidence( bahala na kung papano)
8. PEACE, LOVE, HAPPINESS that's all i want to acvhieved in 2009

2009......

2008-12-30T23:11:00.000-08:00

few hours more to go another year is about to come. parang kailan lang yung 2008 and i havent accomplish anything. things that i have done ddnt made me happy. im looking for something/someone who could change my life.i want to start the year right with positive thoughts and happy feelings but just this morning things change. im going to celebrate my new year alone. whatever that made me feel bad, i hope that will go away together with 2008. ive been expecting toomuch from 2008 and hopefully this 2009 will already be my year....

negative feelings

2008-12-10T03:27:00.000-08:00

why is it that this negative feelings of mine keep on crossing my mind? isit because of my environment? i really wanted to go back o my old self. yung hindi worried, yung pangitingiti lang, tumatawa kung may tatawanan, very secure sa sarili, may confidence, at ease sa self.......

2008-11-24T00:17:00.001-08:00

MyNiceSpace.com

2008-11-24T00:16:00.001-08:00

MyNiceSpace.com

2008-11-24T00:09:00.001-08:00

MyNiceSpace.com

my christmas wish

2008-11-23T23:15:00.000-08:00

since the start of the year, ive been thinking of what am i going to go with my life. there are so many things that i wanted to change with myself. encouragement from cousin joy to think positive evrytime negative thoughts come into my mind helps. sometimes i cant help to feel bad, my temper sometimes reach to its boiling point. if i would just recall the negative things that had happend to me this year, they are so many. buckets of tears flowed from my eyes. heated argument with my mom, my dad scolded me so many times coz i want to assert myself and point to them that what they're doing were wrong. but i lost. they're parents and they know better than i. my cousin joy keep sending me inspiratuional messages and it really lifts my soul. i printed and serach for more and i posted them on my apartment walls just to remind to always feel good. the good point is that i was able accomplish the rthings that i wanted. finished a caregiver course, enrolled in an MA class( though i havent passed my research proposal yet),joined the Singles for Christ which is the instrument to my much needed retreat SELF Encounter. I found a family in my self encounter. I really thank God for the opportunity. There I gained friends. Well, i also gained friends in SFC but on this group i found so many friends. I was inspired by their testimonies that make me live life positively. Thanks to tita joy for the inspiring messages......aside from that i got promoted though i was not happy about it, im still thankful. my christmas wish is to buy myself a digicam so i can have a new hobby which is scrapbooking. i want to document every moment in my life now. just to make me aware i am lucky to be alive whenever im depressed. aside from i want to have peace. i want to be the instrument of peace in the family. i hope i can make it and be succesful about it. May God guide me in my intention so i can have peace in my heart.

masakit ang dibdib ko

2008-11-20T19:18:00.000-08:00

ewan ko bakit masakit dibdib ko. i put away negative thoughts in my mind but it keep on coming back every morning. i dont know whats happening. i want to live in peace. i already put all my hatred away, my disappoinments and regrets. why is it that it keep coming back? i want to put my hatred away. i want to take this emotion way. im praying but it keeps coming back. i hope this will be erased.

self encounter weekend

2008-11-20T18:58:00.000-08:00

last thursday i received a text message from an unknown number . he told me he's nonoy. i didnt entertained the text since i dont know the person and i dont have a load at that time.the next day i felt guilty of the message and i texted him back after put a load on my cel. it was noy nonoy, a brother from singles for christ inviting me for a self encounter weekend. i didnt said my yes to him right away. my sister asked me to make a buko pandan for my bro in law's birthday the next day. i really wanted to attend the said self encounter thinking that this is the much needed retreat that im looking for. i said my yes to nong nonoy. im right. i didnt regret that i attended. it somewhat lighten my load in the heart. i was able to putout my hatred, regrets, disappoinment and everything. i was able to meet new friends. i hope this will be the beginning.im praying that i will be fully healed.

2008-11-13T17:54:00.001-08:00

pag marami ka pa lang iniiisip at negative..... negative din lumalabas sa dibdib mo...... so bunang isip lang kung ano ang mga sinasabi mo..... dapat hindi basta bast nag kokomento..... dapat pag isipan ng mabuti.... how can i just keep my mouth shut? dati ang tahimik ko..... ngayon sinsabi ko na lahat ng nillaman ng puso ko.... kung galit ako.... galit ako..... sa ngayon galit ako sa sarili ko.....galit ako sa sarili ko..... paano ko maibabalik ang dating kong pagkatao? nahihirapan na ako..... mahirap..... paano kaya maging ako uli..... pwede bang bumalik sa sinappupunan ng nanay ko at palakihin uli ako? paano ako magiging masaya uli? ..... paano kaya ako maging tao uli na ako? alam ko hindi na ako to...... soul searching? i want to be at peace and be happy.....mabigat na dibdib ko..... kung pwede lang tanggalin ang puso at ilabas para wala na akong mararamdaman.....peace....peace....happy....happy.....

miss fitrum's philosophy in life....

2008-11-13T17:51:00.000-08:00

There are only three things that you would regret in life..... the words spoken, the actions taken, the opportunities that you let pass.......... (tagos sa laman ko......)

realizations

2008-11-13T17:15:00.000-08:00

i realize that im pushing myself too much that i already forget who i really was. i am very mush affected to the environnment that sorrounds me. maybe because there are atill negative baggages inside my heart. i really wanted to have peace within myself, family and everybody. i wanted to go back to my old seld. i really lost myself and i want to find it back. i dont have peace of mind. i really wanted to sleep soundly at night and wake up smiling. i wanted to have a happy face again. i should start it in myself but i dont know how. i want to be away..... i want to have anonymosity......i wanted to be just myself again.......i want to be the real me...... i want to be at peace.....

binabagabag ng aking konsensya

2008-11-13T17:05:00.000-08:00

last monday my sister arrived from the states. i told her her something that i should not tell her. and the worst is its not even true. i havent slept last night because i misinterpreted the message. i dont know how am i going to tell her the truth? should i just say... hindi pala totoo yung sinasabi ko sayo? or forget what did i tell you... but the damage has been done. i asked for God's intercession for this..... forgive me Lord.

promoted

2008-10-29T19:03:00.000-07:00

last friday, the hrmo called me that to get my appointment in their office. i was promoted. the governor just signed my appointment. i dont know why i am not happy. maybe because its not what i want. i just applied for the sake of applying and im not expecting that the governor will sign it. syempre di na kami taga-liberal party. hehehe! i voted for the governor last election. he's kind. he's not not like other politicians. he's not the traditional one. anyway, i thank God for the blessings and i prayed for some more and I hope He'll soon answer my prayers. Maybe He just answered it in a different way. Im still hoping for my prayers that will be answered.

tambok na ko.....

2008-10-23T18:40:00.000-07:00

everytime i meet people, they would comment " hala nagtambok ka?" well, eversince i never heard of comment " nagniwang ka". that means that gatinambok na gid lang ko ya nga gatinambok. my sister told me i might have a polycystic ovary since im balbon but i told her my menstruation is already regular. minzy told me maybe im hypothyroid because eventhough how i tried losing weight there no result. my metabolism has slowed down already. i dont know what am i going to do just to lose weight. i maybe should starved myself... that's the only solution i have now. lets see.....

richard poon

2008-10-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

an an, minzy and doc pangga invited me to join them in iloilo for the launching of a new product (medicine) and their guest is richard poon. we were seated in front so we could see him. i never thought that his songs is boring. its all classical. i really dont know any of his songs except kahit maputi na ang buhok ko and cant take my eyes off you. but the whole show is good. im much more excited in the raffle prizes that the three of them have not win....

......

2008-10-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

hala tita joy... mukhang totoo yung mga interpretations mo. yun nga feeling ko. pero di ko talaga sinasadya na managinip ng ganun.....

promotion

2008-10-13T18:27:00.000-07:00

i applied for promotion last july ..... well, i need to since ang hirap ng buhay ngayon. i was surprised when the hrmo told me that about my screening last septmber 23. i was very nervous coz i was interviewed in front of the board members. among the screening committee was bm lastmoso who happend to be the son of my uncle's bestfriend. my nervousness slowly disaappears coz i know he will not give me a hard time during the interview. tama ng ako, he never asked any question to me. maybe he saw my resume ----diaz from maayon---- and he gave me a higher grade. well, that's good. but im worried because i didnt answer the question correctly by one of the interviewer. until now i have not heard of the progress of my application. even my civil service report has not yet arrived. so i really have to follow it up. im just keeping my fingers crossed for whatever will happen to my application. God bless to me....

my feeling....

2008-10-08T19:19:00.000-07:00

last weekend i attended a regreat on crossroads by lingkod ng panginoon. i find them very conservative. an- an, doc pangga and minzy attended the said retreat but it never affected us in a way that we are clear about ourselves and our faith. we know what we want in life and our faith in God is so strong. ou dgls insisted that what other activity do we do inorder to be closer to God, i answered i go to mass everyday. aside from going to mass what else? my doctor companion answered to my rescue and told them that they live a busy life. their quarrters in the hospital is just behind the chapel so they heard everything whenever the siters are in prayers. they even enumerate what time the sisters are praying. but the dgls were very insistent. you know what we throwed the question back to them. what they are trying to tell that we should have a daily scripture reading. well, if we have time but going to mass everyday make my day already. it depends on the person how are they going to have a personal time with the Lord.

i was just very happy that weekend. i dont know why. we have a night out after the retreat and had the girly talk. i dont know that it seems that im in the cloud 9 that time. for 3 consecutive days i had a dream. i dreamt that my teeth fall off and only 1 was left. last night i dreamt that i already had a husband that i dont even know who he is. this is already the second time that i got married in the dream to the person i dont know. my third dream is that im very happy with my family - my own family. i dont know what does this mean but maybe its just a product of my subconscious mind. well, tita joy what do you think?

our new phone

2008-09-09T18:23:00.000-07:00

my bro in law bought a pldt prepaid sim card and gave it to my mom so it will be cheaper for us to call maayon whenever we need to talk to them. my mom is os excited that she doesnt want to put the sim card in our spare celphone(take note, we two unused cel phones) but she wants it buy a unit from the pldt "inang pareho gid ya bala sang landline". yesterday, we bought a unit for P 1,900. i examined the features of the phone and i found out that it has the same features as the cel phones. i told my mom about it and she was insisting "bay i lang da ya bala para daw may telepono man ta sa balay". well, she wants to put it in our sala. she even asked me to accompany her in gaisano to look for telephone table. o my God grabe! i charged the phone for 8 hours for its initial charging and when we opned it, the LCD screen flash the word emergency - that means no signal. she asked me again to call the costumer service and told me to wait for 24-48 hours. when i went to my office, my officemates who have smart sim told us that their celphone has no signal. that means the smart sim is down. that's the price of purchasing the phone. when my dad saw the phone, he wants to buy another unit for him to bring wherever he goes.

happy feet

2008-09-02T18:39:00.000-07:00

its the 2nd day of september and i can't help to count down the rest of the year. im kind of depressed that 2008 is going to end with no major accomplishment that happened in my life. I went out yesterday to withdraw in the bank. I used my atm but then the card was captured. I went to another bank and when i was waiting for the cash it didnt came out but it was debit on my account. What a bad day! I again tried my other atm account but it was offline. I felt guilty that i used my week budget to buy the happy feet bakya, that's why i dont have money anymore. well, it was a long time plan that im going to purchased the bakya but whenever im in the store already I find it expensive. My mom gave me 1000 as her contribution or should I say my share on her retirement fee. So i want want it memorable that I hurriedly buy the bakya. whatever happened yesterday may it be that going to be yesterday. aHHHHHH!!!!! maybe it just a wrong timing.

dreams

2008-08-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

i really dont want to get out of bed this morning because i have a beatiful dream. I dreamt of walking down the aisle accompanied by my dad. I dont know who's going to be my groom. But I continued to walk until I meet him at the altar. I dont remember his face but he was very kind. He didnt even meet me before but we decided to get married anyway. After the wedding, we sleep. I was laying on his chest and he kissed me. It was very beautiful and I dont want it to end. But I woke up. I tried to close my eyes again but I can't get the continuation of my dream. Whatever that dream mean, I really dont know.

( tita joy, would you care to look for the interpretation? it might be again the product of my subconscious mind. :-) )

signs

2008-08-25T19:47:00.000-07:00

my cousin joy told me that she is asking for signs whenever she's making a move. ive been praying so hard for a future husband and i dont know if God is just answering me in some other ways. i really don't mind my application in the states anymore since i promise myself not to go to the states as a nurse since I failed the exam twice already. i didnt mind staying here in the philippines for life but my agent keep on reminding me of my lacking papers. i am praying so hard for a husband cause i really wanted a family of my own but there is still nobody whose courting me. i asked for signs and i dont know what these signs are saying. first, i saw a man wearing an adidas shirt, same shirt my ex wore the last time he was here. second, my classmate in my MA class is janet, same name as my ex sis. third, i dreamt of him last week. this time he's smiling already at me saying, mabuti naman at okay kana. forth, i saw the stationery i used when i wrote him before. i dont want to take it seriously because i know its just ba coincidence. maybe this is the signs that God is giving me that i will really get married. im not expecting him to go back to me since he's already married and has afamily of his own. i had let go of him already. im not losing hope. these are just signs.

in times of doubt......

2008-08-18T23:19:00.000-07:00

yesterday as my mom and i did our window shopping she keep on telling me that my younger sister should already get married. i was so very irritated at her that during my time she didnt urge me to marry. hello???!!!!!! im already 33 and yet she's worrying about my younger sister who is planning to have her sub specialization at st. lukes. that will take her 2 years to finish her sub spec. well, i don't know what will happened to me. i've been praying for the right man to come and yet it has not yet answered. this morning, i prodded my mom to attend mass. i was inspired because the gospel is about God's miracle. i was struck since there are times that i am in doubt. i really wanted to get married already and with whom? all i could do right now is never stop believing. never stop praying. did you know what is the line that struck me? " with God nothing is impossible........the first wil be the last and the last will be the first." what does this mean? every night im starting to pray the rosary. well, whatever is God's plan for me may it be according to His will.

...and her name is JOY

2008-08-07T18:41:00.000-07:00

I first met her when her whole family came to Roxas City in time for my aunt's 25th wedding anniversary. She was about 7 years old at that time. Her sisters always teased her ita because of her morena skin. She claims to be her dad's junior. I dont know what made her say that but the way I see her she's more like her mom. She's a great hostess especially when I'm at their house. I remember one time that when we stayed at their house together with my mom and dad in 2001, she would entertain me with their magazines. She would always tell me " nang kuha ka lang dyan sa shelf, ha?". She is a die hard fan of the Darren Hayes and would shout her lungs out whenever Linkin' park is in TV. She never runs out of stories of her crush HUNG.

This cousin of mine is very emotional. Very sensitive. Very down to earth. Among her siblings, she's different. She doesnt cares of how she looks. Basta kumukuha lang ako sa mga damit nila,as what she told me. She's very good in English especially in technical writing. She's currently enrolled in a Spanish Class and plans to visit Spain in the near future. A glass of mocca frappucino from Starbucks and cheese floss from Breadtalk would already make her day. She is happy already watching her favorite koreanovelas, FRIENDS, Sex and the City and Gossip Girl. She would every now and then visit Roxas. Tour guide ng bayan. Proof: when my cousins Danielle, Jamie and Janice were here she was her companion. Whenever Im in Manila, she's my companion. I don't if its is okay with her to accompany me but pinapatay ko nalang ang hiya ko sa kanya rather find myself lost in Manila.She is the one who told me to try KOJIC on my face to have a nakakaaliwalas na mukha. She is the first person who shave my legs together with her sister. She was the one who introduced me to cookies and cream cake from Starbucks. What really I admire her is she sticks with me through thick and thin. If my priest friend already told me "suko na ako sa'yo, bahala kana". This cousin of mine, never gets tired of me.She always reminds me to stay happy, think positive and live life as its is. I don't know why she changed my perspective in life. She would always tell me there is still HOPE. She would always tell me " e ano ngayon?, ano ka ba?" She would always sends me inspiring messages to lift my soul everyday. At her young age, she already helped me a lot. It is because of her encouragement and never ending pangaral why I'm still up and alive. She's frank. I thought she's immature. I don't expect her to be mature in giving advice. She's just there to listen, listen, and listen. Her name is the opposite of her attitude. But now I understand why her parents opted to name her JOY for she lifts one's spirit and change people's lives. To you Joy, thank you for everything! I pray that you'll find your own happiness. God bless on your plans. Continue giving JOY to every body. Good luck!!!!!!!!

r&r in davao

2008-08-06T19:15:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful time in davao. my friends from sach invited me to join in their convention in davao. I am with my sis an an, doc pangga and my friend minzy. at first I was hesitant to join them since my sis & I had a misunderstanding. but then on the last hour minzy concinced me to join since it will take a long time anymore if I can go to davao. We were billeted at the davao waterfront hotel. on the same day that we arrived we went to the famous pearl farm. it is own by the floreindos - remember margie moran floreindo, anton floreindo lagdameo ( yes, dawn zulueta's hubby). the resort is very huge and heartwarming. it you want to be alone and have some r& r go to pearl farm instead of boracay for a change. It cost P 1,500 to go there inclusive of everything(ferry ride, mineral water, welcome drinks, tour around the island and eat all you can lunch). after a very tiring day at the pearl farm, we had our dinner at jack's ridge. Jack's ridge is a hilly part of davao where you can see the entire davao city on its top. next day we visited the davao crocodile farm. it has an entranceof P 1oo.oo. but its worth because its like a mini zoo. I had seen pangil - the very huge crocodile. I got a chance to got hold of the snake!!!!! live snake. and the next day we went to the garden of eden. WOW! is all i could say! its breathtaking!!!! I want to go back to davao and have some adventure....this time hopefully with specail someone who likes to have some adventure...when? i dont know i cant even predict my life right now as long as i am enjoying. i dont want to sulk in one corner crying for the rest of my life....as what my cousin joy said.... enjoy life! think positive!

burn out

2008-07-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

i woke up bad this this morning. i dont know the reason why. i find my life meaningless, no direction. is it that im pushing myself to hard? i had a text conversation with my cousin last night and im thankful that she has that PATIENCE to listen and to give advice. i had moved on already and its just that things are not happening the way im praying for. is it because GOD wants to tell me something? to be PATIENT a little bit. Joy told told me that maybe God wants me to love myself first before He will give me my partner in life. I asked Joy about her sisters who are older than me on their feelings regarding getting marriage. She texted me that they're just ok and don't brag about marrying. let's put this this way....they wanted to get married(who do you think would like toe nd up an old maid?) but they don't make it a center of their priorities. in short, they're just enjoying life and will accept when it comes. i want to think that way also but i cant stand the pressure of being single at my age. its been 13 years sinec i graduated from college and 11 years in this kind of work and yet nothing has changed. im still single, not accomplished much in life. i keep on praying that things will changed. im keeping myself busy just to forget the pressure in me. i dont have enough friends who can console me. i want to go out and explore life. im planning to take a trip to cebu alone. i dont know when. but this plan was planned two years ago. i really wanted to visit the basilica again. the miraculous sto. nino. i took my nusing borad in cebu and likewise my cg exam and i passed. i just really wanted to visit cebu again for an r&r. who knows i might meet my destiny there. its just that i have a light feeling in cebu. whatever it is only God knows. I just keep on praying. to Joy, thank you for the advices. you're very nice. thank you so much. thank you for the encouragement. i hope that things will get better before the year ends.

mid year accomplishment

2008-07-17T19:56:00.000-07:00

What I accomplished for the first half of the year:

I enrolled in a caregiver course (graduated July 11, 2008)
Joined in Singles for Christ
Had a vacation in Manila and finally had a chance to visit Baguio
Enrolled in an MAN class ( don’t surrender)

Be thankful for these blessings!!!!! Don’t lose hope!!!! For the BEST is yet to come….Be positive!!!!!

my visions in life

2008-07-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, I always dreamt of living in a big house together with my father and mother. I even imagined my father as Albert Martinez and my mother Snooky Serna. I was their avid fan. As I grew older that visions was forgotten coz I focused more on my studies. I felt happy whenever I see a family where the mother is busy attending their children with the help of the father. With the sight of a happy family in the mall makes me cry. I don’t have any other childhood dreams but a family of my own. When I entered a serious relationship, I thought that dream would already come true but I was wrong. My relationship didn’t turn out good. I lost the hope of having a family of my own. I don’t know why my dream is so simple yet its not easy to attain. My sisters would always tease me before because whenever we had our playhouse I would always say I’m getting married. Maybe God wants me to be single all my life. I had been courted before but men were intimated by me. I always wear a smile on my face. They just don’t know that much. I’m a little bit bitch and stubborn. A simple person who just wanted to have a family of my own. I really don’t know why but I always wanted to be a mother. Maybe because I’m longing for a mother’s attention and love. My family is not a perfect one. My dad is strict but understanding. I wish that I grew up with them, maybe I had enjoyed my youth. Maybe I had so many friends already or I have met so many persons already or I’m already married. My mom is somewhat not like other mothers. She’s more conscious of her own looks, dress, and the gray hairs that already visible on her head. She would always tell us that as young as high school she already had boyfriends. Well, on my part although I have suitors before , I’m afraid to entertain them coz Im not living on my own house. I’m thankful that my brother and I decided to rent an apartment. Here, we could do the things that we wanted to do. We can go home as late as early morning without worries. I had my first boyfriend when we had our own place already at the age of 29. Imagine????!!!!! While I am savoring the beauty of having a relationship, my boyfriend left me. I don’t know but maybe I’m not the person whom he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I had accepted that fact maybe because of my immaturity. I’m just enjoying the life of having a boyfriend. It’s good that for the two years that we’re together I had known that he doesn’t love me that much. Although he offered marriage already, I had doubts at the back of my mind. I always asked him why he love me and he would always answer because I’m kind, thoughtful and simple. Well, I have my own issues in life and he has his own also. I don’t know what’she’s up to and what are his plans in life. I told him everything about myself and my plans and yet he has something that I still didn’t know about him. It’s right that when you’re in a relationship you should leave something for yourself coz you will lost your own identity if you give yourself 100% but that’s how love – to love somebody unconditionally. It hurt but you have to bear with it and suffer the consequences. Right now, I’m on the process of healing and hopefully, my childhood dream will still be attainable. I really wanted to settle down already and have kids. I really wanted to be happy. My womanhood is not complete unless I’m going to have a child of my own. I don’t know why the urgency to get married is always on my mind. Is it because I’m not getting any younger? Maybe because of my biological clock and how time flies…it’s so fast and now I’m already 33 years old. I still have 14 reproductive years left and I have to do something. I should looking for a lifetime partner or else my childhood dreams will totally gone. I’m building my self confidence. I’m trying to drive my life to the right direction. I’m praying unceasingly that time will arrive. I’m doing my part: I joined a religious organization. I’m planning to enroll in an MA class. I do my walking exercise to feel good about myself and to build the self confidence that I lost. I traveled a lot this year and hopefully, I can go out of the country “ maski Hongkong lang”. I don’t know what will happened to me if ever I will end up single all my life. I’m afraid of the thought that I will be growing old alone. I had no one to talk to, no one to take care of me. I even considering donating something for the home of the aged coz I’m considering that I would end up in that place. My friends kept telling me that I should be optimistic. There are still enough time, still many boys out there…… just keep on fishing until you can catch one.
SMILE!!!!!!!!:-)
BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!:-)
BE POSITIVE!!!!!!!:-)
PRAY!!!!!!!! MIRACLES happens!!!!!!!!
BELIEVE………..

tatiana 07/01/08

lucky charms

2008-02-06T17:54:00.000-08:00

Today, the chinese community is celebrating the Chinese New Year. Most of us are worried about what's going to be our luck this year. In my case, afterall the heartaches and failures that I experience in the last two years, Im looking forward for a better year. To contradict the negative vibrations that will come my way, some of the people who are close to me gave me lucky charms. My best friend Minzy gave me a bracelet full of semi precious stones. " Hatagan ta na lang ka sina kumpleto na na ang mga bato dira para swertihon ka man." It has rose quartz for love, jade for fortune and other stones which I dont know whats that for. My sister An an gave me a jade necklace which is colored brown from Indonesia. She told me the same thing " para swertihon ka man". My Tita Agnes gave me a relic of Our Lady of Peñafrancia to guide me as I face the year of the rat. I was the predictions of Zenaida Seva on tv this morning, she said that my chinese zodiac sign, year of the rabbit is lucky in career. I dont know if I will believe but that gave me relief that I will be crying the whole year. My cousin Joy always reminds me to think positive. She even shared to me the video of The Secret. Like what Q TV is promoting in their station which states "Think Possitivity", I put that quotation in my cel. Whatever my life's going to be this year, I entrust it to Him. He is the Master of all and He knows what is good for us. Fr. Vhong always tells me to continue praying and trust Him. Prayers is still the lucky charm that every person should hold on to.